People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
classic mixup
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.