“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption