Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
You Might Also Like
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
nobody’s gonna understand
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.