nobody’s gonna understand
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?