Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.