Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
What’s that, turkey?
Timmy fell in a well?
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control
-me, in this hotel room
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO