@JermHimselfish

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

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@BonaFideIntent

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

@ElKnuckelhombre

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

@MoistPork

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

@ham_why

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

@JulianLeeComedy

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@MarieColette

Don’t you hate it when you use your phone as a dildo and accidentally pussy dial someone?

@PettyRuxpin83

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story