@JermHimselfish

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

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@fakemegryan1

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

@david8hughes

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

@liljonlovitz

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@DanMentos

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

@QwertyJones3

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

@noog

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea