Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*


My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!


If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.


My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.


I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid


I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.


I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


Don’t you hate it when you use your phone as a dildo and accidentally pussy dial someone?


It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story