Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.