Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO