Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Encore…

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life