Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
This will never not be funny 😭
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”