Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit