Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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Here’s a meme
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
just pretend nothing happened
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Anyone want a chair?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime