I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
You Might Also Like
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
This forever.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us