I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
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You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”