I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when