Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Miscakes

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

tourist season

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.