I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*