exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind