Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.