My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
and now we wait
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
peak technology