“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.