“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
You Might Also Like
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Fixed this for Shakespeare
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long