god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I’ve been drinking.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex