Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.