Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago