Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me