My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Ken is short for chicken
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs