How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
You Might Also Like
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
yes… yes…
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex