Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it