Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
🏙👨🏼
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
reminder
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”