Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Omg 🤣
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My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Meow
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits