Meow
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6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.