I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.