@C00LpenNAME I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
@Cheeseboy22 I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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@C00LpenNAME 
@YALiberty 
@Smooheed My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
@BatBatshitcrazy I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
@philosophia7 “I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
@tjinscot There is no “we” in chocolate.
@MooseAllain In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
@Marlebean I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
@MikeRevenaugh Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
@MissAngryFlower I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!