@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

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@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@Smooheed

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”