The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
You Might Also Like
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.