When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.