My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*