As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza