Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My purse is deeper than some people.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?