My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
what day is it?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch