the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
#Caturday
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.