WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
This forever.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.