The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”