If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
men, we mow at sunrise.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
They’re on their honeymoon
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?