Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?