It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.