Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine