@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

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@Darlainky

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

@_zazaz_

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

@alexqarbuckle

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

@Ideal_Victoria

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?