I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.