“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
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Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.