Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Happy Febuary everyone!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.