People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.