manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.