My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
🙂🙃🥹
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”