*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said