What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
You Might Also Like
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Truth
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.