Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?