David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You Might Also Like
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.