My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
i dont have time for this
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?