Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
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bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.