no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.