no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever