no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat