5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
sigh
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?